i thought i was getting better but never mind-

It's really funny how one person being nice and showing love to me can change everything. I love my best friend ☺💜

I cant take it anymore I'm fucking desperate for help at this point I need every thing I can to stop these thoughts from coming. Expect a very long break because my mental health is really bad

I'm sorry for not posting I've just been extremely exhausted and I haven't been able to get my computer because as I said last post I got it taken lmao

Something terrible almost happened guys- I had to experience my friend almost shoot himself on video call and the worst part of it is that I couldn't say a single word because I was completely frozen in fear all choked up. I'm such a fucking retard I wish I could have helped him more... It's all my fault that I've been ignoring his pain because I've been dealing with my own problems. It's all my fault that he lays in bed 24/7 emotionally drained because I don't know how to give him the love he deserves. Why can't I just- be a better friend for him... He deserves so much better. But hey, on the bright side at least he appreciates my existence. He's the first person I've ever truly called my friend and the first person to show me love and I appreciate that. I also found out a lot about him because he's my online friend for almost a year. He revealed his age as 16 when I thought I was talking to an adult. But that's ok because that means I can actually talk to him. I wish I wasn't so scared to talk to people god dammit. It's my fault that he has to suffer. I wish I was a better person- I'm just a fucking asshole.. Don't worry about me guys I'll be fine as always- I don't wanna bother y'all so I'll just disappear again till I finish my next work.

I'm sorry I had to dump this shit on y'all. It's my problems not yours-

Updates: she's ok now. I found out she's actually a girl but she goes by a boys name. Anyways she did it again but I completely freaked out and almost has the cops called on me but luckily my parents finally understood that I needed someone to be sent for my friend and not me. The only thing is that I ended up getting my friend sent away and it literally is all my fault. If I would have went to sleep instead of staying on the call they would have been just fine. I left the call because obviously I was so scared and I rechecked the chat and found out she just said she was fine and I didn't need to do anything about her. But I feel like I was a good friend for trying to help her. Unfortunately she lives in really bad conditions and the police in her area are mean so she might not ever come back and it's all my fault- again I'm sorry for just dumping my shit onto you guys but no one actually cares enough to listen to my problems. Why should I bother you guys anyways. I almost killed myself because I feel like no one actually cares but at least I remember that my friend is in a safer place now. I really hope she can come back and we can still talk. The only problem is my parents are mad because I tried to help my friend but ofc I just had to be a fucking loser and scream cry so loudly that I wake them up. Now they're taking all of my stuff because they no longer want me to have online friends. Like I don't understand them at all. Why are they telling me I shouldn't be friends with people who are suicidal. My parents might as well shouldn't have a child who's suicidal- might put that into my own hands lmao. Anyways what I was saying is that I have restricted access to the internet but thankfully I just deleted that stupid app lmao. Yeah I get that they're "trying to protect me" but when have they ever actually cared about me as a person. I almost killed myself because they told me I was worthless and immature for reacting the way I did towards my friend. All of the things that went by over the years had just been bottled up and I finally just want to let go of it. Again I don't think any of you guys care but I'm used to people completely for getting about my existence. Hell I can probably kill myself right now and no one would ever notice I'm gone because I'm such a fucking loser lmao.

I don't know how to explain it but I suddenly feel so much better then when I did before and I'm glad I'm making progress in life. Yeah every now and then I get a bit tired but I feel like I'm truly happy at least. I have a friend who's like family to me and just talking to him even for one minute can make my whole day better! I thank him so much for that words can't express. To be honest I feel way too happy and I think probably something bad is coming... Like idk everything is going a bit TOO smoothly. Idk how to explain it lol. Anyways...how y'all doing today?

update: i was right-

I beg of you to commission me. I want to have supporter badge and keep my ibis paint subscription (and maybe buy some snacks and supplies) any donations and commissions would be highly appreciated. I will decide the price based on how much time I out into it. Art examples are on my page ☠

Talking to my friends makes me more happy. They're like the only reason I didn't kms yet.

My head hurts and I have like no motivation to do anything and no appetite. This isn't like me at all. I feel completely lost actually. Last night I had to text the crisis hotline because I really needed motivation to keep going... I don't even know how much longer I can suffer like this. :[

I should not have posted that